Page 3: That's no moon

As if you don't have enough to worry about these days, a distant, unstable star named Wolf-Rayet is readying to unleash a beam of high-energy gamma rays -- yes, like the Death Star -- directly at us. But don't worry, Earthlings -- all is not lost. Some good things about potentially being on the business end of a cataclysmic supernova:

• Everyone can stop whining about global warming now

• The killer robots will do us in way before space debris

• We have Bruce Willis; we have nothing to fear

• With any luck, it'll be a champagne

supernova

• Barack Obama will develop warp drive and a molecular quantum inhibitor, fly to the star, destroy it, and be back in time to pass universal health care before the end of his first week in office

• Supernova explosion is more of a dry heat

• With an 8,000-light-year lag, what is happening/was going to have happened/will already have happened would demand the creation of grammatical gymnastics that themselves is/will/have torn a lethal gash in the space-time continuum

From staff reports