Panic at the pump

Published Fri, Apr 4, 2008 12:00 AM

From staff reports

This week, the heads of Big Oil went to Congress to report that soaring gas prices are not their fault, and we at the Guide believe them, because it's not like we'd be lied to by an oil company. So here are our humble guesses about Real Reasons for Rising Gas Prices.

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• Probably, like, a comical supervillain from space.

• Special ingredient in 7-11's new Slurpuccino? Sweet crude oil.

• Disturbing lack of recent dinosaur deaths.

• Spendocrats. And Hillarycare.

• Big Corn.

• Relatively speaking, the price of gas is equal to that of what it was back in the 1970s. Let's quit whining about it and start walking more.

• Since trans fats were banned in New York City and other areas, partially hydrogenated soybean oil has been replaced with sweet crude. Makes crispy fries.

• DRAAAAAAAAAINNNNNNNAAAAAGE!!!

• There's some sort of protracted land war

going on in the Middle East. Maybe that has something to do with it?