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thager@beaufortgazette.com
843-986-5534
By the time you read this, we will have hopefully made it through another Black Friday. Like most of you, I hope, I spent it in bed with sheets pulled tight over my head.
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Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving, when little elves come out at 3 a.m. to stand in line for hours to get an iPod that's marked down by 20 percent. This is the same iPod that will be marked down 15 percent if you wait a week, but who wants to wait a week when you're talking about
5 percent? What else are you going to do at 3 a.m. the day after Thanksgiving? Besides, you know, anything.
It's become an American tradition that I, for one, refuse to participate in. First, the name is scary. When did we decide that black meant profitable and red meant not profitable? These are two horrible colors. Black means death, and red means blood. It's frightening. Do we have to choose between the two? Can't it be between, like, Burnt Sienna and Teal?
("In the black" vs. "in the red" is just confusing. It's like secular and nonsecular. Secular sounds like a religious term -- "That church I went too last week is WAY secular." -- shouldn't it be the one that has to do with religion and nonsecular be the one that doesn't? Can we switch the two, or is it too late?)
Also, it's the kick-off of the Christmas shopping season, which in and of itself is a big rip-off since most people start shopping sometime around President's Day. I like to wait until the week before Christmas, to make sure I am positively juiced up with the holiday spirit, but I don't know one person who starts on Black Friday. What a miserable way to start your holidays: "I can't wait to wake up at 1 a.m., stand in the cold for three hours in a line that is a breeding ground for communicable illnesses, all to get a present for my son who I haven't talk to in a year. Hooray!"
Black Friday isn't fun. No part of it. The people who work at the stores aren't enjoying it. Who wants to be anywhere at 3 a.m. making $6.25? You ever go to one of these 24-hour box stores and see the people working the late shift? It's not exactly the starting lineup. If you show up for the interview, and the manager tells you you'd be perfect for working checkout at 2 a.m., consider a new career path.
Stores don't love it either. First, they don't want you buying the iPod for $25. They want you COMING IN for that iPod and buying something else. There's a reason why only the big box stores participate in the early-morning salesapalooza nonsense, because you can't get rich selling electronics for less than you pay for them. It's a gimmick. A con. It's a legal form of bait and switch. "Come in for the cheap iPod, stay for the overpriced Tupperware!"
Customers have it the worst. First, you know who is usually lined up at 3 a.m.? People on Crystal Meth and would-be bus passengers who have to "really get" to Tijuana in the middle of the night. I've never seen a que at 3 in the morning and thought, "Hmm, I really want to be in that line." Nothing good comes from it.
You're tired, you're cranky and you're surrounded by sweaty teenagers who are willing to crane kick you "Karate Kid" style to get the last "Call of Duty" game. Suddenly, that turkey feast 12 hours earlier seems like decades ago. Visions of Pilgrims and parades dance in your head. And a stomach full of marshmallows and stuffing does not lend itself to an early-morning shopfest.
Besides, the pressure is too much. I don't want to feel like I have to single handily prop up the American economy. We hear it for weeks leading up to Black Friday: Will sales be down this year? Will stores go under? Will the entire capitalist financial system crash because Tim Hager didn't stand in line for an hour to get a 36-inch Plasma TV?
Bah Humbug. Don't guilt me into shopping, Mr. Man. Consider me on the bench until Dec. 22.
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